Caring for Elderly Parents: How to Get the Support You Need
There’s rarely a single moment when you become your parent’s carer. It creeps up: a lift to the GP, then the weekly shop, then a phone call every evening to check they’ve eaten. Before long, caring for elderly parents is sitting alongside your job, your own family and everything else.
If that sounds familiar, you’re far from alone, and you don’t have to do it all yourself. This guide covers the signs a parent needs more help, how to start the conversation, the practical steps worth taking early, and how to get care for elderly parents, including support at home.
Key Takeaways
- Small changes, such as missed meals or an untidy home, are often the first signs a parent needs more help.
- Talk early and involve your parent in every decision. It’s their life and their home.
- A care needs assessment from the council is free, and a good first step even if you plan to pay for care.
- Support at home ranges from a few visits a week to live-in care, and can grow as needs change.
- Looking after yourself matters too. Regular breaks help you keep going.
Signs your parent may need more support
Changes are often gradual, so they’re easy to miss, especially if you don’t live nearby. Things to look out for include:
- Changes around the home. Post piling up, an empty fridge or out-of-date food, or a home that’s less tidy than it used to be.
- Changes in them. Weight loss, wearing the same clothes, missed medication, or seeming more forgetful or withdrawn.
- Falls or near misses, including bruises they can’t explain.
- Struggling with everyday tasks, such as washing, dressing, cooking or managing the stairs.
- Loneliness. Seeing fewer people, or not getting out as much as they did.
One sign on its own may not mean much. A pattern over a few weeks is worth acting on.
How to talk to your parent about care
This is often the hardest part. Many parents worry that accepting help means losing their independence, and it’s common for a parent to listen to a carer or their GP when they won’t listen to their own child. A few things help:
- Choose a calm moment, not straight after a fall or a difficult visit.
- Start with what they want, whether that’s staying at home, keeping up a hobby or getting to the shops.
- Talk about help rather than care. “Someone to help with mornings” can feel very different from “a carer”.
- Start small. A visit or two a week is easier to agree to than a big change.
- Involve them in every decision. It’s their life, and support works far better when they’ve chosen it.
- Bring in someone they trust, such as their GP, if conversations keep going round in circles.
Practical steps worth taking early
Some things are far easier to sort out before there’s a crisis.
- Lasting power of attorney. A lasting power of attorney lets your parent choose someone to make decisions for them if they ever can’t. There are two types, one for health and welfare and one for property and financial affairs, and it can only be set up while your parent can make the decision themselves.
- Benefits. If your parent is over State Pension age and needs help because of a health condition or disability, they may be able to claim Attendance Allowance. It isn’t based on savings, and can help towards the cost of care.
- Key information in one place. Medication, GP and pharmacy details, important contacts and any care plans.
- Safety at home. Grab rails, better lighting, a key safe and a personal alarm can all make a difference.
- A plan for emergencies. Who to call, who has a key, and what happens if you’re suddenly unable to help.
How to get care for elderly parents
There are two main routes, and many families use both.
Through the council
Ask your parent’s council for a care needs assessment. It’s free, and you can ask on your parent’s behalf. In our area, that’s East Riding of Yorkshire Council or North Yorkshire Council. If your parent is eligible for support, the council will agree a care and support plan with them, then carry out a financial assessment to see what it will pay towards. While you’re in touch, it’s worth asking for a carer’s assessment for yourself too.
Arranging care yourself
Many families arrange care privately, either because their parent won’t qualify for council funding or because they want more say over who provides it and when. It’s often quicker, and you can start small and build up.
Support for elderly people living at home
Most older people want to stay in their own home, and with the right support, many can. The main options are:
Type of support | What it looks like | Often suits |
|---|---|---|
Home care visits | Care staff visit at set times to help with personal care, meals and medication | A parent who needs help with parts of the day |
Companionship | Regular visits for company, outings and light household tasks | A parent who is lonely or losing confidence |
Respite care | Someone takes over for a while so you can have a break | Families who provide most of the care themselves |
Overnight support | Sleep-in or waking nights | A parent who is unsettled or at risk at night |
Live-in care | Care staff living in your parent’s home | A parent who needs support around the clock |
Home care visits, also known as domiciliary care, are where most families start. Our guide explains what domiciliary care means and what care staff do on a typical visit.
Looking after yourself too
Looking after elderly parents, or caring for the elderly more generally, can be rewarding, but it can also be exhausting, and almost every family carer feels guilty at some point. Getting help isn’t letting your parent down. Often, it means you get to be their son or daughter again, rather than their carer.
- Take regular breaks. Taking a break with respite care gives you time to rest while your parent is looked after at home.
- Share the load. Agree who does what with brothers, sisters or other family, even if they live further away.
- Talk to someone. Local carers’ centres and support groups can help you feel less alone.
- Keep something just for you, even if it’s only an hour a week.
How Verified Care supports families
At Verified Care, we support the whole family, not only the person receiving care. Our home care services range from a few visits a week to live-in care, and we can increase or reduce support as your parent’s needs change.
Verified Care is nurse-led, and we keep a small, consistent team around your parent, matched on personality and interests, so they see familiar faces. We agree the care plan with your parent and with you, and care notes are kept in the Birdie app, so you can see how each visit went, even if you live some distance away.
When you need a break, our in-home respite care lets your parent stay at home while you rest or go away.
Your questions about caring for elderly parents
How do I know when my parent needs care?
If they’re struggling with everyday tasks, missing meals or medication, or you’re worried about their safety, it’s time to talk with them and ask for a needs assessment. You don’t have to wait for a crisis.
What if my parent refuses help?
If they’re able to make the decision, it’s theirs to make. Keep the conversation open, suggest something small, and ask someone they trust, such as their GP, to talk with them. If you’re worried about their safety, contact adult social care.
Can I get paid for caring for my elderly parent?
You may be able to claim Carer’s Allowance if you care for someone for at least 35 hours a week and they receive certain benefits, such as Attendance Allowance. GOV.UK has the full eligibility rules.
Who pays for care for elderly parents?
It depends on your parent’s finances. The council may contribute after a financial assessment, and many families pay privately. People with complex health needs may qualify for NHS continuing healthcare, which is funded by the NHS.
Can my parent stay at home if they need a lot of help?
Often, yes. Home care can be built up gradually, and live-in care gives support around the clock without the upheaval of a move.
Home from hospital and not sure what comes next?
Whether a discharge date has just been set or reablement is coming to an end, our care staff can talk you through what happens next. No commitment, just a friendly chat
